Okay folks – now this is the most bizarre and disturbing thing that has EVER happened to me...
As most of you know, I help a photographer friend out with various things around the office and on location.
Now I have worked customer service since I was just a mere fledgling ‘gay-boy’ – everything from courtesy calls to follow-ups to collections; and I thought I had heard it all! Obviously, I was dead wrong in more ways than one…
Today, I was making some follow-up calls to some event companies that we sent a CDR Presentation to last week and got the most unsettling answer from my very first call!
I knew something was not right from the start – the person who answered didn’t even ask who I was but just put me through to the VP of the Special Event department. When he answered, I explained who I was, where I was calling from, etc… when he said “I’m sorry, but someone just died here in our office”.
I of course replied, “I’m so sorry…”, when he interrupted me and said, “no – they just collapsed here in the office and died!” I again gave my apologies and hung up with him.
When my friend asked what had happened and I explained – we both went into hysterical fits of laughter! I’ve only killed figuratively in the past – not literally! LOL!
Needless to say, I was briefly traumatized by the whole experience – but even now, as I write this, I’m giggling with little fits of laughter! Not because some poor soul met their maker, but because the whole situation was so damned out of the ordinary – and then some!
So anyway – as life is the greatest gift we will ever receive, here’s my joke for the day dealing with death…
30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL
01. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
02. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
03. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
04. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
05. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
06. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
07. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
08. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
09. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money, which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no one is looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
As most of you know, I help a photographer friend out with various things around the office and on location.
Now I have worked customer service since I was just a mere fledgling ‘gay-boy’ – everything from courtesy calls to follow-ups to collections; and I thought I had heard it all! Obviously, I was dead wrong in more ways than one…
Today, I was making some follow-up calls to some event companies that we sent a CDR Presentation to last week and got the most unsettling answer from my very first call!
I knew something was not right from the start – the person who answered didn’t even ask who I was but just put me through to the VP of the Special Event department. When he answered, I explained who I was, where I was calling from, etc… when he said “I’m sorry, but someone just died here in our office”.
I of course replied, “I’m so sorry…”, when he interrupted me and said, “no – they just collapsed here in the office and died!” I again gave my apologies and hung up with him.
When my friend asked what had happened and I explained – we both went into hysterical fits of laughter! I’ve only killed figuratively in the past – not literally! LOL!
Needless to say, I was briefly traumatized by the whole experience – but even now, as I write this, I’m giggling with little fits of laughter! Not because some poor soul met their maker, but because the whole situation was so damned out of the ordinary – and then some!
So anyway – as life is the greatest gift we will ever receive, here’s my joke for the day dealing with death…
30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL
01. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
02. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
03. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
04. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
05. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
06. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
07. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
08. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
09. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money, which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no one is looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
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