Third movement of Bach d minor concerto with Shalev Ad-El as soloist and conductor with Musiva Viva Amsterdam. TV recording from Brno int. festival October 1992
23 December, 2008
"Daniel" (Live)
The Goddess Tori Amos sings her rendition of the timeless Elton John classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC5H3fGbcpo&feature=rec-fresh+div
After all these years and recent developments - this song still brings tears to my eyes. Regardless of whats happened in the long ago past.
Anyway, here's the original...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC5H3fGbcpo&feature=rec-fresh+div
After all these years and recent developments - this song still brings tears to my eyes. Regardless of whats happened in the long ago past.
Anyway, here's the original...
21 December, 2008
20 December, 2008
18 December, 2008
Cellist Matt Haimovitz and Uccello play Kashmir by Led Zep.
This was actually so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes. However, please refer to my earlier post on this song where the Gypsy Violinist played the same song - with only 3 other musicians accompanying her! Anyway - you can see it here: http://dv8ion.blogspot.com/2008/08/gypsies-playing-kashmir-by-led-zep.html
17 December, 2008
Holiday "Funnies"
A CHRISTMAS STORY
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that 3 of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The 12 Steps of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas my (biological - shudder, shudder!), family gave to me…
12 Shrinks A Shrieking
11 Crack-pipes Cracking
10 Uncles Drinking
9 Aunts Denying
8 Sisters Crying
7 Brothers Fighting
6 Cousins Kissing
5 Valiums
4 Thorazines
3 Prozac’s
2 Black Eyes
And another year of Therapy.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED:
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing…
About Me…
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
…(better start again!)…
DEAR SANTA...
Dear Santa:
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter), I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, a STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS!! What the FUCK were you THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!?! That you've taken me for a SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, to come out with some SHIT LIKE THIS under the damn tree. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE SREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!
Please don't let me see you come to my house Next Year! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'll throw rocks at those STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!
You know what Santa, FUCK YOU!!! Next year you'll find out HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN STEPPING ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Gay Santa…
Santa Is A Woman… Unless he's gay!!!
Couldn't be, could he?
He's into fantasy; has a stocking fetish; is a shopaholic; is into fancy dress; would do anything for a party; has no children of his own, nor a woman in his life; will go anywhere at any hour of the night; has a harem of 'elves'; is madly creative; and is still game to take all night to do what he used to do all night... And what about the sugarplum fairies?
And those songs with camp words:
'Don we now our gay apparel...'
'Santa Claus is coming...'
[There must be more]
He's into 'different' reindeer - one of which is called Prancer!
I wonder!
Dear God, unless he's a pedophile. Oh no!
Holiday Eating Tips
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's The Holidays!!!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free, lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre ofattention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.Same for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat… Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but please avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an amazing day!
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
---------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Merry Friggin’ Christmas Everyone… And Fuck You Too! LOL!!!
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house everybody felt shitty -
- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse
and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung for my piece
to see what’s the matter.
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment:
it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in that moment
the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart:
That son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
The Night Before Christmas:
Italian Style...
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
SANTA IS A WOMAN!
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those
elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons. (GAY!).
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not Santa!!!!
3 Wise Women and One Better...
We all know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men...
1. They would have asked directions
2. Arrived on time
3. Helped deliver the baby
4. Cleaned the stable
5. Made a casserole
6. Brought practical gifts and ...
7. There would be Peace on Earth.
What if there were Three Gay Wise Men instead?
1. They would have done a fabulous parade towards Bethlehem in full auburn/gold sequins gown to match the low "Star of Bethlehem" lighting.
2. Arrived early
3. Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous butter cream-colored 100% cotton throw.
4. Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a "western" theme to match the animals, complete with perfectly-centered mirror ball hanging from the wooden beams.
5. Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entrée of Chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with Guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix, mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and Anjou pears with yogurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff cappuccino con panna.
6. The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection
7. Peace? How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number?!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that 3 of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The 12 Steps of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas my (biological - shudder, shudder!), family gave to me…
12 Shrinks A Shrieking
11 Crack-pipes Cracking
10 Uncles Drinking
9 Aunts Denying
8 Sisters Crying
7 Brothers Fighting
6 Cousins Kissing
5 Valiums
4 Thorazines
3 Prozac’s
2 Black Eyes
And another year of Therapy.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED:
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing…
About Me…
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
…(better start again!)…
DEAR SANTA...
Dear Santa:
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter), I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, a STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS!! What the FUCK were you THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!?! That you've taken me for a SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, to come out with some SHIT LIKE THIS under the damn tree. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE SREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!
Please don't let me see you come to my house Next Year! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'll throw rocks at those STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!
You know what Santa, FUCK YOU!!! Next year you'll find out HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN STEPPING ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Gay Santa…
Santa Is A Woman… Unless he's gay!!!
Couldn't be, could he?
He's into fantasy; has a stocking fetish; is a shopaholic; is into fancy dress; would do anything for a party; has no children of his own, nor a woman in his life; will go anywhere at any hour of the night; has a harem of 'elves'; is madly creative; and is still game to take all night to do what he used to do all night... And what about the sugarplum fairies?
And those songs with camp words:
'Don we now our gay apparel...'
'Santa Claus is coming...'
[There must be more]
He's into 'different' reindeer - one of which is called Prancer!
I wonder!
Dear God, unless he's a pedophile. Oh no!
Holiday Eating Tips
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's The Holidays!!!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free, lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre ofattention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.Same for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat… Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but please avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an amazing day!
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
---------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Merry Friggin’ Christmas Everyone… And Fuck You Too! LOL!!!
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house everybody felt shitty -
- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse
and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung for my piece
to see what’s the matter.
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment:
it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in that moment
the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart:
That son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
The Night Before Christmas:
Italian Style...
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
SANTA IS A WOMAN!
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those
elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons. (GAY!).
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not Santa!!!!
3 Wise Women and One Better...
We all know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men...
1. They would have asked directions
2. Arrived on time
3. Helped deliver the baby
4. Cleaned the stable
5. Made a casserole
6. Brought practical gifts and ...
7. There would be Peace on Earth.
What if there were Three Gay Wise Men instead?
1. They would have done a fabulous parade towards Bethlehem in full auburn/gold sequins gown to match the low "Star of Bethlehem" lighting.
2. Arrived early
3. Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous butter cream-colored 100% cotton throw.
4. Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a "western" theme to match the animals, complete with perfectly-centered mirror ball hanging from the wooden beams.
5. Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entrée of Chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with Guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix, mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and Anjou pears with yogurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff cappuccino con panna.
6. The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection
7. Peace? How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number?!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
11 December, 2008
A Very Kitty Catmas - Kitty Xmas Parodies...
A Cat's 12 Days of Catmas:
On the twelfth day of Catmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamster in a plastic ball!!
A Cat's Favorite Catmas Carols:
Away in a Basement
Bark, The Dopey Doggie Sings
Cats Rule the World
Celebrate Catmas!
Claws on the Rooftop
Fluffy, the Snowman
God Rest Ye Napping Kitty-Cats
Have Yourself a Furry Little Catmas
I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claws
Jingley Balls
Joy to the Curled
O’ Come All Ye Selfish
Purring All The Way
Silent Mice
The First Meow
‘Twas the Night Before Catmas
Up on the Mouse-top
We Wish You a Merry Catmas
Wreck the Halls!
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Spooky climbed onto the table, poked his paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Catmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Spooky had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Catmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Catmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Spooky feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Catmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Catmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. He merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, he used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood-stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Catmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Catmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Spooky's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Catmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Spooky can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Catmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister. Actually, it was one earring but since she doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Catmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Spooky thought so. And he succeeded once he got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, his little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for his previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave him in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that he chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Catmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Catmas card list when he walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Catmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if he hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Catmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Catmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. Okay, Okay! So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Spooky. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Catmas Dinner.
On the twelfth day of Catmas...
Spooky rested. And so, thank the gods, did my Credit Card...
'Twas the Night Before Catmas:
'Twas the night before Catmas and all through MY house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...(I ate it).
My kitty stocking was hung by the cat door with care,
In hopes that Santa Claws soon would be there;
The humans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While we cats in the darkness danced on their heads;
Big Owner in his "sleepy's", and me his loyal cat,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out in the 'hood there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to four paws to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Eating curtains and shades, (I threw up the sash).
The street lamp outside shined eerily below,
Maybe two cats fighting? Paw to paw, blow-by-blow?
No, wait! What my sharp kitty eyes should detect,
But a miniature cat box, and that Devonshire Rex.
A little old driver, all hairy with paws,
I knew in an instant it must be Santa Claws.
More rapid than hairballs his coursers they came,
And he howled, he meowed, he called them by name;
"Now, BOMBAY! now, BIRMAN! RAGDOLL and BURMESE!
On, PIXIE-BOB! on KORAT! on, PERSIAN and SIAMESE!"
To the top of the fence! To the top of the tree!
My felines are awaiting, they are all purring!"
As dry heaves that before the wild furballs fly,
When he meets with an obstacle, they jump to the sky,
So over my shingles the kitties they flew,
With the carriage full of cat morsels, and Santa Claws too.
With a turn of my ear, I heard on the roofpole,
the scratching and clawing of each kitty's sole.
I drew in my head, and was spinning around,
When through the cat door Santa Claws did abound.
A long hair in fur, of course, from head to foot,
And his hairs were all shiny, well coiffured, nicely put.
A bundle of cat toys he had flung on his back,
You'd swear he was pedigree just him with his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His whiskers how bold!
His cheek hairs so soft, his nose...oh, how cold!
He shed not a hair, each strand in its place
The most famous of all of the proud feline race.
The stump of some cat nip he held tight in his teeth,
Its aroma encircling his head like a wreath;
An imposing cat with the biggest belly in history,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Friskies.
A grimalkin of breed, a right jolly old cat!
Did I say grimalkin, how could I think that!
A twitch of the whisker and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He mewed not a sound, but went straight to his work,
Filled my stockings with kitty treats; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a talon aside of his nose,
After giving a nod, out the cat door he goes;
He sprang to his cat box, to his team gave "MEOW!"
And away they all flew, like the wind they did howl.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"MEOWY CATMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!"
Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners:
01. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
02. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
03. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
04. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
05. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
06. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
07. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
08. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
09. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year; you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
On the twelfth day of Catmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamster in a plastic ball!!
A Cat's Favorite Catmas Carols:
Away in a Basement
Bark, The Dopey Doggie Sings
Cats Rule the World
Celebrate Catmas!
Claws on the Rooftop
Fluffy, the Snowman
God Rest Ye Napping Kitty-Cats
Have Yourself a Furry Little Catmas
I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claws
Jingley Balls
Joy to the Curled
O’ Come All Ye Selfish
Purring All The Way
Silent Mice
The First Meow
‘Twas the Night Before Catmas
Up on the Mouse-top
We Wish You a Merry Catmas
Wreck the Halls!
A Kitten's 12 Days of Holiday Mischief:
On the first day of Catmas, my kitten ruined for me...A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Spooky climbed onto the table, poked his paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Catmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Spooky had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Catmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Catmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Spooky feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Catmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Catmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. He merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, he used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood-stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Catmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Catmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Spooky's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Catmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Spooky can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Catmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister. Actually, it was one earring but since she doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Catmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Spooky thought so. And he succeeded once he got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, his little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for his previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave him in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that he chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Catmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Catmas card list when he walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Catmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if he hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Catmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Catmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. Okay, Okay! So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Spooky. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Catmas Dinner.
On the twelfth day of Catmas...
Spooky rested. And so, thank the gods, did my Credit Card...
'Twas the Night Before Catmas:
'Twas the night before Catmas and all through MY house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...(I ate it).
My kitty stocking was hung by the cat door with care,
In hopes that Santa Claws soon would be there;
The humans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While we cats in the darkness danced on their heads;
Big Owner in his "sleepy's", and me his loyal cat,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out in the 'hood there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to four paws to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Eating curtains and shades, (I threw up the sash).
The street lamp outside shined eerily below,
Maybe two cats fighting? Paw to paw, blow-by-blow?
No, wait! What my sharp kitty eyes should detect,
But a miniature cat box, and that Devonshire Rex.
A little old driver, all hairy with paws,
I knew in an instant it must be Santa Claws.
More rapid than hairballs his coursers they came,
And he howled, he meowed, he called them by name;
"Now, BOMBAY! now, BIRMAN! RAGDOLL and BURMESE!
On, PIXIE-BOB! on KORAT! on, PERSIAN and SIAMESE!"
To the top of the fence! To the top of the tree!
My felines are awaiting, they are all purring!"
As dry heaves that before the wild furballs fly,
When he meets with an obstacle, they jump to the sky,
So over my shingles the kitties they flew,
With the carriage full of cat morsels, and Santa Claws too.
With a turn of my ear, I heard on the roofpole,
the scratching and clawing of each kitty's sole.
I drew in my head, and was spinning around,
When through the cat door Santa Claws did abound.
A long hair in fur, of course, from head to foot,
And his hairs were all shiny, well coiffured, nicely put.
A bundle of cat toys he had flung on his back,
You'd swear he was pedigree just him with his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His whiskers how bold!
His cheek hairs so soft, his nose...oh, how cold!
He shed not a hair, each strand in its place
The most famous of all of the proud feline race.
The stump of some cat nip he held tight in his teeth,
Its aroma encircling his head like a wreath;
An imposing cat with the biggest belly in history,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Friskies.
A grimalkin of breed, a right jolly old cat!
Did I say grimalkin, how could I think that!
A twitch of the whisker and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He mewed not a sound, but went straight to his work,
Filled my stockings with kitty treats; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a talon aside of his nose,
After giving a nod, out the cat door he goes;
He sprang to his cat box, to his team gave "MEOW!"
And away they all flew, like the wind they did howl.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"MEOWY CATMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!"
Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners:
01. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
02. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
03. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
04. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
05. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
06. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
07. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
08. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
09. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year; you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
10 December, 2008
Today is International Day Without a GAY!!!
We are calling for a nationwide strike and economic boycott by all Gays, Lesbian, bisexual, transgender, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, AND OUR STRAIGHT ALLIES on December 10th, 2008, International Human Rights Day.
WHY?
Because LGBT workers, business owners, consumers and taxpayers contribute over $700 billion to the U.S. economy each year and should not be treated as second class citizens.
Because general strikes and economic boycotts are a powerful weapon in the history of non-violent protests. See http://www.pbs.org/now/society/boycott.html.
Because marriage should be a Right for all Americans, including gay men and lesbians, regardless of gender, race OR religion.
Because until ALL are equal, NONE are equal.
HOW?
1. Strike: call in gay, shut down your business, take the day off. While this may be a burden, we must be willing to make sacrifices in our fight for equal rights, including the right to marry.
2. Boycott: don't buy or spend to show how much the LGBT dollar supports the American economy.
3. Volunteer: show the world that our message is about love, not discrimination. See www.daywithoutagay.org <http://www.daywithoutagay.org/> for a list of volunteer opportunities.
4. Communicate: spread the word. We need everyone's support.
For more information or to sign up, see the following:Day without a Gay http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=38177567454
DAYS WITHOUT GAYS ( http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=32387329669) <http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=32387329669%29>
JOINTHEIMPACT.COM <http://jointheimpact.com/>
DAYWITHOUTAGAY.NET <http://daywithoutagay.net/>
GAYS ON STRIKE (also on Facebook)
WHY THE NAME "A DAY WITHOUT GAYS"? We were inspired by the film A DAY WITHOUT A MEXICAN and the nationwide strike in 2006 called A DAY WITHOUT IMMIGRANTS, which were attempts by Latinos and other immigrants for equal rights and employment non-discrimination.
CALL IN GAY DECEMBER 10th 2008!!!! Calling all queers! We are sending out a call to all "our people" and our allies to rally together and "call out gay." In response to the hateful and disheartening news about proposition 8 in California we are calling all our friends, family, allies, people who voted no, people who believe we should all have the same rights, people who believe that taking away rights is unjust and wrong! CALL IN GAY ON DECEMBER 10 2008. It's a Wednesday, stay home, go to parks, find things free to do in your town, be with your community! CALL IN GAY!!!!!!!
09 December, 2008
I Suddenly Have the DREADFUL Urge To Be Merry... (Grumble, Grumble!!!)
Christmas Lights - TSO - Christmas Eve in Sarajevo - 2007 ... 54000+ lights synchronized to Trans-Siberian Orchestra's song Christmas Eve in Sarajevo (or sometimes referred to as Carol Of The Bells). Visit http://www.neverenoughlights.com/ for more info.
FINALLY!!! X-mas music that I can relate too!
(I worked at Tower Records for 5 years back in the 1980's and all I heard from the day before "Turkey-Murder" Day until the day after New Year - was horrific X-mas music!).
I'm actually surprised that I never lost my hair or accidentially overdosed on either illegal or prescription drugs! LOL!!! Anyway, enjoy!
AML,
~D~
And here's an early present for you...
Banned Underwear Commercial - from Australia with a hot guy undressing!
Okay, so now for a bit more of the TSO...
This is "Wizards in Winter" - by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
http://www.friscochristmas.com/ - Christmas light display in Frisco, TX
http://www.vaderville.com/ Christmas Lights Synchronized to Transiberian Orchestra Nutcracker Suite The Mad Russian.
FINALLY!!! X-mas music that I can relate too!
(I worked at Tower Records for 5 years back in the 1980's and all I heard from the day before "Turkey-Murder" Day until the day after New Year - was horrific X-mas music!).
I'm actually surprised that I never lost my hair or accidentially overdosed on either illegal or prescription drugs! LOL!!! Anyway, enjoy!
AML,
~D~
And here's an early present for you...
Banned Underwear Commercial - from Australia with a hot guy undressing!
Okay, so now for a bit more of the TSO...
This is "Wizards in Winter" - by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
http://www.friscochristmas.com/ - Christmas light display in Frisco, TX
http://www.vaderville.com/ Christmas Lights Synchronized to Transiberian Orchestra Nutcracker Suite The Mad Russian.
08 December, 2008
In Mexico, Beyond Gay and Straight
This is from my good friend, Bob who said: "This is something this country should listen too and wake up to"!!!
Please click on the title of the post for the link...
AML,
~D~
Please click on the title of the post for the link...
AML,
~D~
04 December, 2008
03 December, 2008
01 December, 2008
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