On the twelfth day of Catmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamster in a plastic ball!!
A Cat's Favorite Catmas Carols:
Away in a Basement
Bark, The Dopey Doggie Sings
Cats Rule the World
Celebrate Catmas!
Claws on the Rooftop
Fluffy, the Snowman
God Rest Ye Napping Kitty-Cats
Have Yourself a Furry Little Catmas
I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claws
Jingley Balls
Joy to the Curled
O’ Come All Ye Selfish
Purring All The Way
Silent Mice
The First Meow
‘Twas the Night Before Catmas
Up on the Mouse-top
We Wish You a Merry Catmas
Wreck the Halls!
A Kitten's 12 Days of Holiday Mischief:
On the first day of Catmas, my kitten ruined for me...A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Spooky climbed onto the table, poked his paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Catmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Spooky had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Catmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Catmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Spooky feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Catmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Catmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. He merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, he used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood-stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Catmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Catmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Spooky's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Catmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Spooky can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Catmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister. Actually, it was one earring but since she doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Catmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Spooky thought so. And he succeeded once he got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, his little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for his previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave him in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that he chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Catmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Catmas card list when he walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Catmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if he hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Catmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Catmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. Okay, Okay! So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Spooky. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Catmas Dinner.
On the twelfth day of Catmas...
Spooky rested. And so, thank the gods, did my Credit Card...
'Twas the Night Before Catmas:
'Twas the night before Catmas and all through MY house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...(I ate it).
My kitty stocking was hung by the cat door with care,
In hopes that Santa Claws soon would be there;
The humans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While we cats in the darkness danced on their heads;
Big Owner in his "sleepy's", and me his loyal cat,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out in the 'hood there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to four paws to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Eating curtains and shades, (I threw up the sash).
The street lamp outside shined eerily below,
Maybe two cats fighting? Paw to paw, blow-by-blow?
No, wait! What my sharp kitty eyes should detect,
But a miniature cat box, and that Devonshire Rex.
A little old driver, all hairy with paws,
I knew in an instant it must be Santa Claws.
More rapid than hairballs his coursers they came,
And he howled, he meowed, he called them by name;
"Now, BOMBAY! now, BIRMAN! RAGDOLL and BURMESE!
On, PIXIE-BOB! on KORAT! on, PERSIAN and SIAMESE!"
To the top of the fence! To the top of the tree!
My felines are awaiting, they are all purring!"
As dry heaves that before the wild furballs fly,
When he meets with an obstacle, they jump to the sky,
So over my shingles the kitties they flew,
With the carriage full of cat morsels, and Santa Claws too.
With a turn of my ear, I heard on the roofpole,
the scratching and clawing of each kitty's sole.
I drew in my head, and was spinning around,
When through the cat door Santa Claws did abound.
A long hair in fur, of course, from head to foot,
And his hairs were all shiny, well coiffured, nicely put.
A bundle of cat toys he had flung on his back,
You'd swear he was pedigree just him with his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His whiskers how bold!
His cheek hairs so soft, his nose...oh, how cold!
He shed not a hair, each strand in its place
The most famous of all of the proud feline race.
The stump of some cat nip he held tight in his teeth,
Its aroma encircling his head like a wreath;
An imposing cat with the biggest belly in history,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Friskies.
A grimalkin of breed, a right jolly old cat!
Did I say grimalkin, how could I think that!
A twitch of the whisker and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He mewed not a sound, but went straight to his work,
Filled my stockings with kitty treats; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a talon aside of his nose,
After giving a nod, out the cat door he goes;
He sprang to his cat box, to his team gave "MEOW!"
And away they all flew, like the wind they did howl.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"MEOWY CATMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!"
Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners:
01. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
02. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
03. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
04. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
05. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
06. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
07. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
08. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
09. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year; you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
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