http://rathergood.com/christmas
ENJOY!!!
All Our Love,
DV8, Boo & Spooky
=^..^=
MEOW BABY!!!
17 December, 2008
Holiday "Funnies"
A CHRISTMAS STORY
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that 3 of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The 12 Steps of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas my (biological - shudder, shudder!), family gave to me…
12 Shrinks A Shrieking
11 Crack-pipes Cracking
10 Uncles Drinking
9 Aunts Denying
8 Sisters Crying
7 Brothers Fighting
6 Cousins Kissing
5 Valiums
4 Thorazines
3 Prozac’s
2 Black Eyes
And another year of Therapy.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED:
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing…
About Me…
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
…(better start again!)…
DEAR SANTA...
Dear Santa:
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter), I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, a STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS!! What the FUCK were you THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!?! That you've taken me for a SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, to come out with some SHIT LIKE THIS under the damn tree. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE SREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!
Please don't let me see you come to my house Next Year! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'll throw rocks at those STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!
You know what Santa, FUCK YOU!!! Next year you'll find out HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN STEPPING ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Gay Santa…
Santa Is A Woman… Unless he's gay!!!
Couldn't be, could he?
He's into fantasy; has a stocking fetish; is a shopaholic; is into fancy dress; would do anything for a party; has no children of his own, nor a woman in his life; will go anywhere at any hour of the night; has a harem of 'elves'; is madly creative; and is still game to take all night to do what he used to do all night... And what about the sugarplum fairies?
And those songs with camp words:
'Don we now our gay apparel...'
'Santa Claus is coming...'
[There must be more]
He's into 'different' reindeer - one of which is called Prancer!
I wonder!
Dear God, unless he's a pedophile. Oh no!
Holiday Eating Tips
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's The Holidays!!!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free, lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre ofattention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.Same for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat… Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but please avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an amazing day!
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
---------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Merry Friggin’ Christmas Everyone… And Fuck You Too! LOL!!!
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house everybody felt shitty -
- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse
and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung for my piece
to see what’s the matter.
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment:
it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in that moment
the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart:
That son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
The Night Before Christmas:
Italian Style...
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
SANTA IS A WOMAN!
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those
elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons. (GAY!).
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not Santa!!!!
3 Wise Women and One Better...
We all know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men...
1. They would have asked directions
2. Arrived on time
3. Helped deliver the baby
4. Cleaned the stable
5. Made a casserole
6. Brought practical gifts and ...
7. There would be Peace on Earth.
What if there were Three Gay Wise Men instead?
1. They would have done a fabulous parade towards Bethlehem in full auburn/gold sequins gown to match the low "Star of Bethlehem" lighting.
2. Arrived early
3. Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous butter cream-colored 100% cotton throw.
4. Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a "western" theme to match the animals, complete with perfectly-centered mirror ball hanging from the wooden beams.
5. Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entrée of Chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with Guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix, mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and Anjou pears with yogurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff cappuccino con panna.
6. The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection
7. Peace? How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number?!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that 3 of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The 12 Steps of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas my (biological - shudder, shudder!), family gave to me…
12 Shrinks A Shrieking
11 Crack-pipes Cracking
10 Uncles Drinking
9 Aunts Denying
8 Sisters Crying
7 Brothers Fighting
6 Cousins Kissing
5 Valiums
4 Thorazines
3 Prozac’s
2 Black Eyes
And another year of Therapy.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED:
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing…
About Me…
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
…(better start again!)…
DEAR SANTA...
Dear Santa:
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter), I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, a STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS!! What the FUCK were you THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!?! That you've taken me for a SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, to come out with some SHIT LIKE THIS under the damn tree. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE SREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!
Please don't let me see you come to my house Next Year! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'll throw rocks at those STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!
You know what Santa, FUCK YOU!!! Next year you'll find out HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN STEPPING ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Gay Santa…
Santa Is A Woman… Unless he's gay!!!
Couldn't be, could he?
He's into fantasy; has a stocking fetish; is a shopaholic; is into fancy dress; would do anything for a party; has no children of his own, nor a woman in his life; will go anywhere at any hour of the night; has a harem of 'elves'; is madly creative; and is still game to take all night to do what he used to do all night... And what about the sugarplum fairies?
And those songs with camp words:
'Don we now our gay apparel...'
'Santa Claus is coming...'
[There must be more]
He's into 'different' reindeer - one of which is called Prancer!
I wonder!
Dear God, unless he's a pedophile. Oh no!
Holiday Eating Tips
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's The Holidays!!!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free, lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre ofattention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.Same for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat… Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but please avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an amazing day!
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
---------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
-----------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Merry Friggin’ Christmas Everyone… And Fuck You Too! LOL!!!
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house everybody felt shitty -
- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse
and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung for my piece
to see what’s the matter.
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment:
it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in that moment
the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart:
That son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
The Night Before Christmas:
Italian Style...
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
SANTA IS A WOMAN!
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those
elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons. (GAY!).
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not Santa!!!!
3 Wise Women and One Better...
We all know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men...
1. They would have asked directions
2. Arrived on time
3. Helped deliver the baby
4. Cleaned the stable
5. Made a casserole
6. Brought practical gifts and ...
7. There would be Peace on Earth.
What if there were Three Gay Wise Men instead?
1. They would have done a fabulous parade towards Bethlehem in full auburn/gold sequins gown to match the low "Star of Bethlehem" lighting.
2. Arrived early
3. Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous butter cream-colored 100% cotton throw.
4. Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a "western" theme to match the animals, complete with perfectly-centered mirror ball hanging from the wooden beams.
5. Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entrée of Chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with Guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix, mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and Anjou pears with yogurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff cappuccino con panna.
6. The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection
7. Peace? How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number?!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
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